Some Purim Torah--or Possibly Not

Yup, so sue me, but every year I write either a poem or a different type of Purim Torah to include with our shalach monos. And also yup, I guess you could say we are themed, in that the writing in some way deals with the contents/packaging of the shalach monos or vice versa. However, (disclaimer coming) the theme, if you must call it that, is always Purim. This year I wondered what might be the result if those who are the chumrah pushers latched on to shalach monos.

If you're wondering what to do until your guests arrive or until you have to leave for seudah, what follows is the K offering for this year.
B”SD
Dear Family and Friends,

No, there is no poem this year,
Just a bit of Purim Torah cheer

It has become obvious to all in Klal that major requirements for stringency in observance of our Mitzvot are fast becoming the rule, with new requirements being issued almost daily. Those who raise their eyebrows at the nature of some of these stringencies are quickly placed on the sidelines.

This year it was not the kashrut standard of shalach monos which required such stringency: it was the decision of many major rabbanim and askanim that no shalach monos would be allowed to be sent out unless such shalach monos would meet strict guidelines of relevancy and relationship to the yom tov of Purim. Any and all aspects of shalach monos require strict scrutiny.

2,567 different Rabbis signed on to the stringency guidelines, including among them the Farfloigener Rebbi, the Krechtzer Rebbi, Rabbi Moshe Oyvei of Fartumult and the renowned Rosh HaYeshiva, Rabbi Nishtba Mir, of Yeshivas Bais Baal. Conspicuous by their absence are any of the rabbanim associated with the MO yeshiva Y-ME.

Not wishing to find ourselves out of step, we submitted our shalach monos to one of the scientific agencies given permission by the Rabbanim to determine the relevancy ratings of all shalach monos packages. Yes, even the Hareidi rabbanim gave their haskomah to this particular agency. (Ever think that you would see hareidi and science and haskomah together in one sentence?!)

We are pleased to inform you that the shalach monos you are receiving attained the highest rating given. You may sleep easier now that you know that the gedolim b’Yisroel are on the job and keeping Klal’s best interests right in the forefront.

Attached you will find a teudah granted to our shalach monos from the AIOFFS.

A freilachen Purim to all in your house,

A, L, N, M and C K




A I O F F S American Institute Of Forensic Food Scientists
Department of Relevancy

CERTIFICATE OF COMPLIANCE

The AIOFFS does hereby attest that any and all packages [forthwith to be referred to as shalach monos] attached to this notice of compliance meet the Institute’s exceptionally high standards for Purim holiday food relevance. Recipients may rest assured that all items within the shalach monos have been thoroughly vetted for their relationship to the Purim story and the lessons to be learned from that story. The complete report is available by sending a check for $180.00 to AIOFFS. Highlights of the report follow below.
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Hamentaschen: evoke Haman ha’Rasha’s name thus allowing ingesters to boo appropriately.

Rolls: Received double points. First, Esther and Mordechai had to roll with the punches and then get up and do what was needed. Second, like yeast dough in general, you punch it down and it rises up at least twice as strong, similar to the Jewish nation as depicted in the Megillah.

Grape jam: Received double points. First, a lot of the characters in the Megillah get into a jam. Some do better than others in getting out of that jam. Second, grapes play an integral part in the Megillah in the form of wine. If King Achashverosh had stuck to jam instead of wine he would have had a lot less trouble.

Baked Goods: The chocolate chips remind the Jews that their enemies may try to chip away at their stability but then the Jews arise and swallow their enemies in one bite. Haman carried a big chip on his shoulder against Mordechai and against the Jews. In addition, Haman couldn’t understand how his plans could go awry—sorry Haman, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

Chocolate Kisses: Haman was a real kiss-up and thought he’d get everything he wanted—didn’t happen that way thanks to Esther and Mordechai.

Snickers Bars: Haman snickered at what he thought were the defenseless Jews. Esther and Mordechai had the last laugh though. Those Jews unwrapped his plans, and chomped down on him but good.

Tea Bag: Haman thought his plan would be a slam dunk and winning was in the bag. Instead, he found himself in hot water thanks to Mordechai and Esther

Assorted fruits: High relevance rating. Clearly Haman was nuttier than a fruitcake. Apples have high relevance as Haman was rotten to the core. Oranges represent the King’s and Haman’s failure to peel away the layers that hid Esther’s identity from them. They also represent Achashverosh’s inability to see below Haman’s surface to the madman below.

Assorted Miscellany: High ranking for producing enjoyment in the receiver, a requirement of Purim