The Demise of the 3 X 5 Card

I still occasionally get calls from people who are looking for shidduchim. Mostly I pass along to them the phone number of the head of our local shidduch group. Truth to tell there are still a few active members of that group, but a whole lot of the women, such as myself, have opted out of the organizational route. Why? I think it can be best summed up in a few simple numbers: 3 and 5.

Back in those "dark ages," as many like to call the time period when I was actively redting shidduchim, my shidduch files were highly portable and immediately accessible when I got a call. They all fit comfortably into 3 small boxes that held 3x5 cards in alphabetical order. A lot of us used the same method.

What was on those cards? Name, phone number, home community, age and birth date, height, schools attended, shul attending. In some cases we got the parents' names, the names of siblings and if the siblings were married. Sometimes we knew who the siblings were married to and sometimes not. We'd jot down what profession the person was already in or which one they were studying for. On occasion the front of the card would also hold the name and phone number of the shul rabbi or ONE other person who might have more information on the person--a lot of times we didn't have this information. We would also jot down, in single words, a few notes about the person's interests/hobbies. And we might make a note to ourselves about personality, either because the person mentioned it or based on our conversation with the person. The back of the card was reserved for the names of the people we thought would be shayich for this person and/or the names of the people we had set them up with. Everything we needed to redt a shidduch on the front of one 3x5 card--Zeh hu.

No questionnaires, no resumes, no interrogations and investigations worthy of the CIA. No waiting weeks and months either. Over the course of many years I set up hundreds and hundreds of dates. No, all those dates did not result in a shidduch being made. They did result in a lot of people going out, meeting people they might not have met otherwise, and finding out what was really out there as far as marriage goes. And yes, in many, many cases the two people I set up would not be interested in each other once they had met, but would have suggestions as to other people who might fit them. For the most part people were polite when they called and appreciative that a stranger was willing to take time to help them find their soul mate. When I called with a recommendation the acceptance was either immediate or was settled within a few short days.

And for the record, this resulted in 22 shidduchim made directly by me and 9 that I was a part of along with others.

So what changed? Just about everything. When the word shadchan began being spit out with venom by those who used a shadchan's services, it was time to get out. When the information on just ONE shidduch began to resemble a multi-volumed encyclopedia, it was time to get out. When it took longer to redt one shidduch then it did to build a multi-family house, it was time to get out. When the information insisted upon embarrassed me to write down, never mind to have to ask someone else, it was time to get out. What finally was the straw that broke the camel's back was when I came to realize that I was doing the dating for the people I was now fixing up--yes, you read that correctly. All that excruciatingly detailed information I was expected to have on anyone I was redting was equivalent to at least two date's worth of conversation on the part of a couple out on a date. And what was worse was that so many of the questions I was expected to know the answers to had nothing, yes NOTHING to do with whether or not a couple was going to find compatibility and real understanding.

Back when I first got married there was a company that decided that plain white milk must be boring to everyone, and it came out with special food dyes for milk products. It was now possible to color coordinate your milk with your china or with the dishes being served. That product didn't get too much by way of public acceptance and faded away rather quickly. That's what happens to products and services that the public looks at, examines and decides is not really necessary or in its best interests. We're perfectly willing to say "This doesn't work" or "This isn't for everyone" when it comes to other things. When it comes to the way shidduchim are made today we aren't willing to admit that the system in place is unwieldy, degrading, seriously flawed and, what's worse, doesn't work for a whole lot of the people using it. And even where it might be used to make an actual shidduch, a whole lot of those shidduchim don't result in "wonderful" marriages or in marriages that last.

How long is it going to take before those with children of shidduch age and those who are themselves in the parsha finally take that deep breath and say "The Emperor is naked!" How long before our frum society recognizes that systems for shidduch making are not written in stone, nor were they given at Har Sinai and are immutable?

As long as dating causes severe angst and gets glares when mentioned, I'll stay happily retired. As long as dating is looked at akin with other things to do that are painful but necessary, I'll opt out. As long as dating is no longer fun but goes in tandem with that other F word we don't use in polite company, I want no part of it. But frankly, I have to wonder and am still puzzled by why anyone would want to have anything to do with dating and shidduch making as it's constituted today.

A little rebellion or revolution is more than called for, but where are the brave and determined people who will lead that insurgence? A sad commentary, but if Patrick Henry were alive today and giving his impassioned speech, crying "Give me liberty or give me death!" there might be a whole lot of people who would shrug their shoulders and mark down on his resume "Unsuitable for shidduchim--doesn't toe the party line."