It's Just Perfect!--Does It Come In Another Color?

As my last act before vacation I had to run out to go shopping at Boys'R'Us--yes, you read that correctly and it's not a typo--Boys'R'Us. It's a special wholesaler open only to the trade. And oh what wonders there are to behold there.

If G-d made it, you can find it there. The variety is astounding. And it's well organized too. Today I'm looking for a not-so-short tall boy who is yeshivish, from a frum family, preferably a Torah VoDaas background, although if not available today a Chaim Berlin background will do. He must be from the Brooklyn factory. The client I'm shopping for is not fussy although blonds are her "look" and she doesn't care about eye color but if the model comes with blue eyes that would be nice. A normal build will do fine, although the BMI should not be above 28. "Dressing presentably" is a requirement although that sort of is not in style right now. But that doesn't matter as much as she can always buy a different outfit to dress him in later.

No, she is not looking for the stripped down, basic model; she wants all the extras built in. She wants one of those ever popular "mentches." He needs to be kind, considerate, like her mother, get along with her siblings, impress her father with his erudition, make her friends turn green with envy and make her swoon in anticipation of the next date. His smile should be 5000 megawatt in intensity and it should be ever present. But he needs to be serious. He should be the best boy in Lakewood while not actually being from Lakewood. His rebbes should be struck dumbfounded by his chochma. He should, however, not be a baal gaivoh and his wisdom should only peep out rather than shout its existence.

He needs to come with a full assortment of friends, all of whom are just like him. The friends should not, however, be permanently attached to him so that she can discard any that don't make her happy.

He should like what interests her and be ready to accommodate any activities that she is in the mood for. Ditto with conversation. Wit is a given, as is a sense of humor, as long as it isn't that awful thing that men think is so funny. He needs to be able to talk, preferably in erudite English and with no dangling participles. She's eclectic in her interests; he needs to share all of them.

He needs to be perceptive and be able to intuit what she wants without her having to go through the whole rigmarole of verbalizing it. Mind reading is a given.

His family needs to be expendable or at the very least unobtrusive. They can pay for things but should not assume to offer any advice. Any sisters in law should be shorter than she is and much chubbier as well. Under no circumstances should they be brighter than she is. They should also live far enough away so that regular shabbos visits will be difficult, but not so far away that they can't babysit when she requires it.

There's more, much more, but the clerk who has been helping me is already shaking his head. "Sorry, but they haven't made a model like that yet." He suggests I try Unique Boytique. Sometimes they carry the one-off piece of merchandise.

I head out from the store just a little despondent. I have another client to shop for, only this time I head for Galmart. I scan the shopping list he gave me and I shake my head. "Her neshomoh should be beautiful" tops the list, followed by size 4, light eyes, pretty, well-off parents...etc.

I hate shopping, especially when I know that I'm not going to find exactly and precisely what I'm looking for, and the clients will accept no substitutions. I turn the car towards Starbucks and reward myself with a triple-foamed mocha latte. Now here is something that can be ordered just as you want it. Sure wish shidduch shopping was that easy.