Ending the Engagement Shtuss

The word progress has a positive connotation. We move forward and things improve. For too long frum klal has been mixing up "progress" with "action." Because we do something new does not mean that the new action is progress.

Many years ago a "new action" was taken. It sure wasn't progress. And yet it has become cemented into the way that huge chunks of frum Klal do things. I am referring to the engagement parties thrown by frum people.

Let's backtrack for a moment. Once upon a time engagement was fairly straight forward. A boy asked, a girl said yes. Were they engaged "officially?" Only sort of, because the next step was for the two sets of parents to come together to meet. At that time, and assuming the parents did not take an instant dislike of each other, a l'chaim was made by the parents and the young couple. Then the couple was engaged "officially." Did the new almost choson and kallah let their friends know? Most did and some didn't.The engagement was sort of in a no-man's land: on the one hand you were engaged; on the other hand it did not have the final stamp of approval.

Far more telling back in the olden days was when a boy took a girl to meet his parents. That was really the point of "unofficial" engagement. A boy did not do this if a proposal was not imminent, and a girl didn't go if she had no intention of marrying the boy. It was the rare exception for a couple not to get engaged once a boy had taken a girl to meet his parents. The news that a girl was going to meet a boy's parents was not shared with all and sundry. If shared at all it was limited to a girl's best friend. Her parents might let the grandparents know.

The l'chaim was a fairly simple occasion. It was held in the girl's house and the parents and siblings from both sides were usually there. Also, grandparents would be invited. Whether or not aunts and uncles were invited--without their offspring--depended on the family and on the number of aunts and uncles. While the young couple would be on the phone calling their friends if they so desired, the parents would at least try and come to some tentative agreement about a date for the wedding and what kind of wedding to have.

Some people, only some, would then have, a while later, a "vort" or engagement party. In the old days some people still wrote t'noyim upon engagement, hence the idea of the "vort." Most people do not do so today because of the halachic problems that arise if an engagement is broken after t'noyim are written. But the name "vort" remains. Some people did not have this formalized engagement party but their parents would give a shabbos kiddush in shul. Sometimes a couple's friends would throw them an engagement party. Some of these vorts were held in a parent's home; some were held in shul halls. Most were nice, but in no way could they be confused with a wedding. All that was really required was cake, cookies, candy and schnaps. The "official photographer" was your Uncle Moishe with his camera. Bands? ruinously expensive floral decorations? Surely you jest.

Now look at the ballyhoo that goes on today. L'chaims that are bigger and more elaborate then most vorts were years ago. Vorts that are only a smidgen short of the elaborateness of a wedding. And for what? Yes, for what? Does a couple become more "officially" engaged if the news is publicly declared twice? So if the exact same people come to see you twice in two weeks and wish you mazel tov twice, does that double the years you will be married? No, it does not!

What it does do is double the expenses of marrying off a child. What it does do is promulgate some of the worst excesses money can buy. What it does do is raise kinah in those whose families simply cannot afford the nonsense. What it does do is obligate many people to expensive gifts and an outlay of money that would be far better spent on something the new couple might be able to use in their married life together. What it does do is expose that some frum people have their priorities all wrong.

An engagement is not a wedding. Why are we treating newly engaged couples to party after party, because that is all these affairs are--one big party. There is no halachic requirement for the l'chaim we see today nor for the vort either. It is conspicuous consumption run amok. Everyone benefits from these affairs--everyone who has something to sell that is. There is zero benefit to the parents nor to the newly engaged couple.

It is more than time that we admit that "the Emperor is naked" and end the practice of engagement the way it is done today. I know, no one wants to be the first one not to do what everyone else is doing. Just what do you think would happen if a choson and kallah, or if you as parents, decided to do things differently? You think that people would talk? Yeah, so what? You think they aren't going to talk anyway? And then watch out when everyone rushes to adopt this new style.

The rabbanim are all so worried about pritzus. Just what are all these crazy affairs if not public pritzus? Let me see them get up in shul and asser the engagement madness. It might just make me think they are worth the money we pay for them.