tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2096776708897685863.post7891992116981915030..comments2024-02-23T04:39:49.329-05:00Comments on Conversations in Klal: Top Five Revisions to the Shidduch SystemProfKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17954446826821665314noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2096776708897685863.post-82667951541844030462012-11-15T23:38:02.991-05:002012-11-15T23:38:02.991-05:00My New Hashkafah of Shidduchim :-)
My new hashka...<b>My New <i>Hashkafah</i> of <i>Shidduchim</i> :-)</b><br /><br />My new <i>hashkafah</i> of <i>shidduchim</i> is thanking and praising <i>HASHEM</i> always :-) <br /><br />Even when my dating experiences are far from pleasant, I realize that HASHEM is guiding my life with His infinite wisdom and abundant love, and exact precision that only He is capable of :-) <br /><br />HASHEM always knows what is truly good for me, even when I do not :-)<br /><br />Often what I need most is atonement and humility, so G_d gives me those precious things through unpleasant dating experiences :-)<br /><br />I now realize that I must always thank HASHEM for ALL of my dating experiences, because even the worst dates are for my eternal benefit, because they provide me with precious atonement and humility :-)<br /><br />Tractate Avot teaches that the reward for a good deed is proportionate to its difficulty; by giving me difficult dating experiences, HASHEM is providing me with greater reward for Olam HaBa, in addition to precious atonement and humility :-)<br /><br />G_d loves me even more than I love myself, and He would never give me an unpleasant dating experience unless it was for my eternal benefit in both Olam HaZeh and Olam HaBa :-) <br /><br /><b>THANK YOU HASHEM!!!!</b> <br /><br />Thank you for all my dating experiences, whether pleasant or unpleasant or mediocre :-)<br />You are always guiding me with endless wisdom and love; You always help me and give me everything I need :-)<br /><br /><b>I regret all the times I complained; <br />instead of complaining, I should have been busy thanking You. <br />THANK YOU HASHEM!!!!</b>Mr. Cohenhttp://groups.yahoo.com/group/DerechEmet/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2096776708897685863.post-55433240935478437572011-03-09T16:39:50.854-05:002011-03-09T16:39:50.854-05:00Let me make it clear that I'm not advocating v...Let me make it clear that I'm not advocating very young marriage in order that people have large families; but that is the view in the community. I think it is better for mature people of any age to marry than immature people, and whatever benefit is gained from having 7 children instead of 3 or 4 can easily be outweighed by other marital problems caused when immature people marry.tesyaanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2096776708897685863.post-50425497927085598752011-03-09T16:36:18.085-05:002011-03-09T16:36:18.085-05:00Why do you think people are so concerned about age...Why do you think people are so concerned about age? Because of fertility. I have heard people say that if they marry a very young woman, even if she experiences infertility, there's usually enough time to treat it and she can still have several children. My own experience tells me this is usually true. In a society that values childbearing and very large families, why marry older than you have to? Even younger men may be more fertile than slightly older men.tesyaanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2096776708897685863.post-61401372587626786962011-03-09T15:42:11.838-05:002011-03-09T15:42:11.838-05:00I'm thinking about various interviews I've...I'm thinking about various interviews I've seen about current issues, like overpopulation and global warming. The gist of these conversations were that in a decade or so, situations work out. In a decade or so, third world countries will be totally implementing birth control, so we won't all fall off the planet. In a decade or so, the world will be nearly completely using eco-friendly systems so we won't all drown. <br /><br />Extremes happen. While individuals may strive very hard for immediate change, it rarely happens. Things have a way of working out. Already the "system," in my view, is already beginning to mellow - when the economy goes down, then people remember discipline. Not right away, but a change will happen - not from forcing the situation, not from shaking people until their teeth rattle - but if a system doesn't work, then "evolution" will ensure that it fazes out. <br /><br />Hashem wants us to wed and populate the earth. It's not something we should think we have control over - which is the problem. The system is claiming omnipotence, when things should be calmer and left to a higher power. There is personal responsibility too. I don't think I've ever seen a single 50 year old say, "It was the system's fault." We have the power over our own destinies, while we have belief in a higher power. We should know when different situations call for each.Datanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2096776708897685863.post-54188991823682502472011-03-09T12:47:13.360-05:002011-03-09T12:47:13.360-05:00JS and Data,
I stated up front that there are othe...JS and Data,<br />I stated up front that there are other aspects of shidduch making that belong on a list. Re the role of the questionaires and how shidduchim are redt, I've posted extensively on just those two issues. This list was for items that could 1) be fixed relatively easily and 2) that I believe haven't got enough press.<br /><br />Data, as to individual responsibility, yes, if something goes wrong we are the ones who should bear the blame. HOWEVER, as the saying goes "no man is an island, entire unto himself." We live in communities, and to be a part of those communities can often require that we follow "group" mandates rather than our own. Sometimes this is a good thing, and sometimes not so good a thing if the group mandate is so established that it alienates segments of the group.<br /><br />The last few decades have seen a change in the community mandate as regards shidduch making. Additions to the mandate and subtractions from the way the mandate used to be applied have resulted in some truly skewed practices. Yes, there are some individuals who say forget about it to the mandate and go their own way. Some are successful in finding a shidduch and some are not.<br /><br />When a practice gets entrenched the way the current shidduch practice has, it is going to take individuals grouping together for strength in numbers to make any real changes that will accomodate the variety of people found in Klal.ProfKhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17954446826821665314noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2096776708897685863.post-3009752944703690912011-03-09T12:38:16.168-05:002011-03-09T12:38:16.168-05:00Tuvi-
I agree that your version of the analogy (&q...Tuvi-<br />I agree that your version of the analogy ("We buy seeds in the hope that they will grow, but have no guarantees") works.<br />I disagree with the original presentation of the analogy: "Full-blown specimens are stronger products than seeds."The Rebbetzin's Husbandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14977193945074906534noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2096776708897685863.post-10225943780836739282011-03-09T12:28:53.687-05:002011-03-09T12:28:53.687-05:00I agree with JS - if you don't like it, then d...I agree with JS - if you don't like it, then don't go along with it, and Hashem will accommodate you accordingly. If anything, I would think Hashem would like it that one thinks He is the matchmaker, not Yenta. <br /><br />Another point - if marriages are breaking up, it certainly is not the fault of the system that brought them together. If youngsters decided to rush and marry because they want a party, how is that the fault of the system? It's job is to bring two people together. That's it. <br /><br />If a couple decided to date leisurely and really get to know each other, or if a couple stays married, would you be giving credit to how they initially met? You would be saying they are really working on their relationship. The shadchan certainly isn't. <br /><br />The shidduch system is all I know. I don't blame it. I blame certain misguided individuals who were not born into it and so twisted it to puff up their own egos, but the fact is there are really no rules. There is, however, an abundance of fools. And if I go along with their mishagasen, who's fault is that?Datanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2096776708897685863.post-30067011952378576462011-03-09T10:57:20.475-05:002011-03-09T10:57:20.475-05:00Much more important in my opinion: Stop giving so ...Much more important in my opinion: Stop giving so much information (if any). The more information people have the more they've already judged the person coming in and the less they have to talk about. Give almost no information and make them talk - it's amazing how actually talking leads to more talking.Ezziehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12494592434522239195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2096776708897685863.post-23863321644239328002011-03-09T10:49:23.598-05:002011-03-09T10:49:23.598-05:00It seems that most of your issues have to do not w...It seems that most of your issues have to do not with the shidduch system per se, but with everyone surrounding it. To be more clear, I don't really see that you have any issue with the shadchan, shidduch resumes, how people are redt, etc. your issue is with the parents and with the community. I don't know if the take away should be that the shidduch system would be fine without "external" influences or if we can't even address the fundamental issues with all this "clutter" in the way.<br /><br />If the problem is externals, it's a lot simpler to solve. If you're a guy, for example, all you need to do is be willing to look at women your own age (or older). Both guys and girls can simply tell their families and friends to butt out. If that doesn't happen, the singles have no one to blame but themselves.<br /><br />As for the community issues, either stop caring what the community thinks or live somewhere more in line with your way of thinking.<br /><br />There isn't really a "system" it's just a lot of people making really stupid decisions in my opinion. If you don't like the way things are being handled, go your own way. But won't that ruin your shidduch chances? No. After all, don't you want someone who is like-minded and willing to go their own way?<br /><br />Personally, I don't get why people turn their fate over to others to begin with. Why is it so hard to walk up to someone at kiddush and say hello? Too shy? Why not just ask a friend to introduce you or invite you both to a meal?<br /><br />If this is "inappropriate" we only have ourselves to blame, not some system.<br /><br />As for the young being most valued, I think it's pretty simple. The young are clueless and much more willing to overlook any flaws or issues because they don't even know what to be looking for. They don't even know who they are and what is best for themselves. An older person is more experienced and knowledgeable and is likely to be branded "picky" when they may just be more in tune with who would make the best partner.JSnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2096776708897685863.post-8235290023157033262011-03-09T10:16:10.318-05:002011-03-09T10:16:10.318-05:00Thank you so much for this post. It definitely li...Thank you so much for this post. It definitely lived up to my expectations. Now if only there were a way to implement these ideas...<br /><br /><a href="http://asformeandbeiti.blogspot.com" rel="nofollow">PNN: The DOG Score</a>Primum Non Nocerehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01928564781704168333noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2096776708897685863.post-11723588536194629922011-03-09T08:32:39.403-05:002011-03-09T08:32:39.403-05:00Even putting one of these into use would make a di...Even putting one of these into use would make a difference for a whole lot of people. Put all of them into place and I think you'd see less complaining about how terrible shidduch dating is.<br /><br />Rabbi, not sure why you think the seed packet analogy doesn't work. When you buy that package you're buying it because of the picture on the outside and the name printed on it. You hope that the seeds will match that pretty picture and grow to be just what is promised on the package. No way to know if all those seeds are going to grow or not or if they will be what is promised. <br /><br />My wife pointed out to me that one seed packager has on the package the germination rate, and it's 80-90% not 100%. About how it actually worked out when she planted those seeds. We also had this happen to us. My wife planted some seeds expecting to have everything that grew in the place she planted the seeds be identical in color and flower type. Right in the middle of a patch of yellow small plants was a larger red one that clearly wasn't the same plant but the seed had somehow been packaged wrong. Plenty of examples in life of people who are presented for shidduchim as being X but as they grow you can clearly see they are Y.Tuvinoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2096776708897685863.post-75858327660054532142011-03-09T08:12:59.633-05:002011-03-09T08:12:59.633-05:00I agree with much of what you wrote here, but re: ...I agree with much of what you wrote here, but re: #3, I think you know why the newer candidates are more valued. The assumption is that those who have been "on the market" longer were passed over for a reason.<br />Let me be clear: I am not endorsing this philosophy. But that is the thinking. The seed packet analogy just doesn't hold.The Rebbetzin's Husbandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14977193945074906534noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2096776708897685863.post-76138506327959011942011-03-09T07:24:17.603-05:002011-03-09T07:24:17.603-05:00great list
good luck implementing itgreat list<br />good luck implementing itAbba's Rantingshttp://abbasrantings.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.com